Just a "FOUF"

Don't ask, cause I won't tell you what that means, it's just a word I use to describe various things, usually pertaining to myself or my life.

This is one of the *have to laugh or I'd cry* type of comical posts ....really kind of throwing myself a pity party...so feel free to stop reading now, if in fact anybody is even reading this..which I highly doubt. LOL
After all I figure, it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to :-)

Couple of issues really bugging me the past few weeks, one being weight. I want to know what the heck is wrong with me?? I feel so GREAT when I see the numbers dropping on the scale, and so wonderful as I slowly fit into smaller clothes...so why do I constantly sabotage myself?? Monday I was down to 244 lbs,,lighter than I've been in so many years and I felt awesome!

So of course then I just had to start eating...and eating..and eating...today's weigh-in revealed a  4 and a half pound gain. That should have been lost weight. I should be in the 230's today. Now I have to re-lose all that weight again when I should be losing new weight.

WTF is wrong with me??

Also, about my wonderful plan for a portrait business...what a joke. I was right from the beginning, who the heck was I trying to fool anyways? So once again I wasted money on business cards, and flyers that are only good for that particular business and I am not ever going to need them.

BTW before I go any further, it isn't that I don't think I am good enough to do this, or that there isn't a market out there for this and the very last thing I want to do is to give up, so I'm not really, just putting it on hold for...well, however long it needs to be on hold I guess. Which may turn into forever but I'm hoping not.

Sure, I know what you're thinking, why are you giving up? You're such a whiner and nothing but a quitter!

All I can say to that is, no, I am a person who is trying so hard to get back to living, who is trying so hard to do something that she loves and that would also be of benefit to others. I try so hard to convince myself that despite all odds being against me that I can do anything that I want to somehow. Then I set out to do the research, take the courses, buy the needed merchandise, just basically do everything that needs to be done to set things in motion and then..something always...A.L.W.A.Y.S.  happens so that my plans come to a screeching halt.

It never, ever fails. I always know this will happen, yet I always choose to believe that this time it will be different. Sadly the thing is that I knew there was a huge obstacle in my way this time around. However; I thought I had found a reliable way around it.  I stupidly chose to believe in somebody I know better than to believe in.

I really  wonder how many times I'm going to do the same stupid crap over and over again. How many times must I repeatedly make the same idiotic mistakes before I finally learn to just accept my life for what it is and stop wasting my time.

Again I guess I'm wondering WTF is wrong with me??

So the whine is over, thanks for bearing with me if anyone read this whole piece of garbage and if not, lucky ..or should I say smart?... you for not wasting your time on it. And yea I know there are folks with far worse problems than me and that children in India are starving (something my Mom always said to make our troubles seem smaller!) but some days you just gotta let it all out, or go nuts from trying to keep it all bottled up inside you, ya know?