and so it begins..NOT comical today :-(

So, now that I have decided to take the plunge to get a new camera and enroll for the photography course, the *stinkin thinkin* has begun to creep in. Sure, I can take photos, but it is the actual marketing, and the thought of going out and trying to sell myself and my work that has me freaking out a bit. It has been so long since I interacted with anybody and I am so self conscious. I really hate being this way, I used to be able to talk to anyone and go anyplace, but years at home has changed all that to the degree that I dislike even walking around on the streets and as for going anywhere by myself..forget it. I could be taking buses right now to broaden my horizons and do more with the camera, but do I? No, I always have some excuse why I can't. That's one reason I am taking the course, the thinking being if I am paying to do this, then I will have to do it!

However.......

What if I can't learn how to take good photos with the new camera? It will be very different from choosing a scene mode, pointing and shooting.

What if I can't make myself go out to do the assignments? What if I do go out and my work totally rots?

What if I fail and by failing waste all this money?

What if I pass and after I just continue drifting along not really doing anything with the new knowledge or the talent that God has given me?

What if I TRY to do something with the new knowledge and fail, once again, wasting all this money?

I am so excited about the new possibilities this can bring me. I am so excited about the new camera and learning how to be a truly good photographer, both dreams from my early teen years. Yet, I am so scared and am so close to saying *what are you thinking????* You could use this money for so many other things! You could save it in case something comes up for one thing. I have been fighting with myself for a few days now.

The scaredy CAT says, "Don't be silly, forget this stupid idea. YOU, a professional photographer? Don't make me laugh."

The upbeat, cool CAT says, "Don't listen to HER. You NEED this! You DESERVE this! If you don't do this, you will always regret it! You CAN do this and will be great at it!"

At this point it is anybody's guess which Cat will win. With all the doubts, I am still excited, still determined, still hopeful.....but still....

What if I DO fail or am really terrible at this?

Then again....

What if I'm not and I do great???

Til next time...

Cathy