ever wonder....

Why your life is the way it is? Why some people seem to be so lucky in life and others never seem to have things go right?

For instance, why did my 3 marriages fail miserably? Didn't I deserve to be happily married for 15 years (total of my 3) to the same man? Who decided that wasn't to be for me? I am always so amazed when I see folks that are married for 50 or more years. I mean, how awesome is that? How incredibly lucky that they met the person of their dreams and it was REAL. I can't even begin to imagine love like that.

Maybe it's hereditary? My Mom went through the same thing in life. Every man she fell in love with turned out to be real jerks,  even abusive. Well not ALL of them, 2 were really wonderful men and if she had married either of them her life would have been so different. But I guess her life was meant to be crappy too, because Bill,,man #1 was an OTR trucker, who was killed when his truck jack knifed in a snowstorm.

Years later she met John..another wonderful man. Together they built a covered wagon and traveled around the country in it, I have the newspaper clippings. They were so happy. This had always been his dream and they were living it together while on their way to the place they were going to be married. Again, whoever decides these things said..Nope, not gonna happen and sent along a drunk teenager to plow into the back of the covered wagon in the early morning hours (they had tail lights on the thing and were way over to the side of the road) They were both thrown from the wagon, John died, the horse had to be put down, my Mom barely pulled through.

Two wonderful men, 2 chances to be so happy for ever, both killed. WHY?

Why were my 3 husbands all controlling, emotionally abusive men? Am I such a bad person that I deserved no better?

And children...I love my children dearly...but sometimes I do wonder why I was given 2 sons with disabilities? In my heart I know it was because I WOULD love them despite their problems and I do believe that still. However, why was I chosen...especially when whoever it was that decided that MUST have known that I would end up going through life alone...not as half of a pair. Not with somebody to help me, but alone...with the whole weight on my shoulders. Was it punishment for something I did in my younger years or was it because they knew that I would be strong enough to bear the load? Now please, don't get me wrong, I love my kids so much, but I do sometimes wish they had been born "normal". Not so much for ME,,but I think of how much they are missing out on in life and it makes me so sad for them.

I also wonder why no matter how hard I try to do what's right, no matter what decisions I make things never seem to work out the way they should have, the way I planned them to. Case in point..when I worked at Hasbro. Really hated the hours, lots of mandatory OT. Missed a lot of my kids early years cause I had to work so much, but there was plenty of money. The family had nice clothes, plenty to eat, all the comforts of life and even extra for special things. At one time I thought of leaving for another lower paying, more family friendly job. Talked myself out of because I had been there for 6 years, why risk a stable job for one you weren't sure of? The other opportunity slipped away...a month later Hasbro downsized, closed down my plant and sent our jobs to El Paso. See? A good decision on the face of it to stay that went so wrong. Why?

Why on the day before hubby #2 and I were going to meet with the real estate agent to finalize the deal on a house we were buying, did the 4th piston on our only vehicle break, costing us the exact amount that we had saved for the down payment to repair? Bye bye house.....we HAD to fix the car, no car, no work, no house anyway. So what happened? Well as you saw above, Hasbro closed down, not only that, but a couple of months later, after we had spent all that money on the car. Some uninsured, unregistered, unemployed, drunken ass hit it while it was legally parked and totally destroyed it. Well you say...wasn't it insured? Yes it was, but guess what? The year before it was part of a 10 car accident during a snowstorm that *totaled* it. We were paid and we used the money to fix it...it wasn't totaled just needed a lot of work...and I really loved my Mustang. Of course, as you may know,,insurance companies won't pay for the same vehicle to be totaled twice. Nice right..3 decisions..all good ones..result? No job, no house, no car. Haha to you sucker...

Is it any wonder that I am so doubtful that ANY decisions I make now are the RIGHT ones? That I am so sure I will always fail at anything I choose to try?

So does anyone else ever wonder why their life is the way it is? Do you believe that your lives are all planned out before your birth and no matter what. no matter how you try, you will never be able to rewrite it to be the way YOU want it to be?

That's what I believe. My 54 years on Earth have left me no choice but to believe it. I have so much proof that this is true. Every single time I have managed to improve life to some degree...whoever wrote the book reaches out and gives the carpet of my life a huge tug and sends me tumbling right back to where I was...sometimes to an even worse situation. I wish I could read the book of my life so I could be prepared for what is still to come. It would make things so much easier.

But then again, I obviously wasn't meant to have an easy life.....

So do YOU ever wonder about things like this? Do you believe our lives are preordained and we can't change them? Or do you believe we can control our lives and futures?